American Pope? Pope Trump

By John Wellington

Editor & Chief Lifeishardcomedy.com

American President Donald J. Trump wants to be Pope. In a recent interview with CCC Magazine (Caucasian Christian Country Maga-zine), he explained why. “The presidency isn’t a lifetime appointment,” he said. “But the papacy is. Plenty of people say I was sent by God, so I’ve got as good a shot as anyone. And what does the Pope do? Poses for pictures; travels—I do that now. I could handle both jobs.”

As strange as it sounds, medieval popes once ruled entire Italian city-states, so it isn’t entirely without precedent.

“There should have been an American pope long ago,” Trump continued. “Everyone’s saying the next Pope should be American. I’d rock those gold-trimmed robes—I love gold. That hat, though? I’d add more red.”

Vice President J.D. Vance weighed in: “They should be grateful Trump even considered the job. He’d polish up the papal image—let’s face it, the Catholic Church needs a makeover. Finally, a real man talking directly to God, not some Polish skier or South American reject.”

He even has some church backing. Bishop Thomas Birdsong of Savannah, Georgia, smiled: “It’s wildly unorthodox, but conclaves can surprise you. There’s all kinds of politicking—if Trump can sway voters, who is to say he can’t woo Cardinals? ‘Pope Trump’ has a nice ring. An American pope is long overdue.”

When asked if he’d support another American, Trump was blunt: “These tax-exempt institutions owe us—billions, I’m sure. They run a great real-estate empire—aside from that priest scandal, which is terrible. But I have a deep connection with God; everyone says so. I’d enjoy hearing confessions—there’s some hot stuff in those booths.”

On converting to Catholicism, he quipped: “The last Catholic president got shot in Dallas, so I’m not rushing over. But I’ve always wanted to live in Rome—loved that movie…no, not Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Gladiator. Lots of action, tigers and all.” When reminded the emperor dies at the end, he quickly moves on. “Being Catholic shouldn’t even be required to be Pope; it used to be about how much you donated. Look at history’s great Popes—I think I could top them all.”

Pressed on his papal role models, he mused: “Caesar was amazing—people still eat Caesar salad. And Nero, Caligula? They did spectacular things, but nobody gives them credit.”

Pope Francis (Jorge Mario Bergoglio, born December 17, 1936) is the 266th Pontiff, who died after meeting with Vice-President J.D. Vance. The current Pope is Leo XIV, who was elected on May 8, 2025.