J.D. Vance revives Male Cotillions

One of the Vice-Presidents Vances 'Vancees'

J.D. Vance Revives Male Cotillions—Meet the “Vancevilions” Vice President J.D. Vance is dusting off a long-forgotten Southern tradition: the cotillion. But this time, it’s not debutantes in ball gowns—it’s an exclusive gentleman’s gala he’s dubbed the Vancevilion, and its contestants are cheekily known as “Vancees.”

What Is a Vancevilion?

Think debutante ball… but swap pink dresses for pompadours and corsages for crotch-bling. In a speech to CCCM (“Caucasian Christian Country MAGA-zine”), Vance proclaimed: > “Men are getting their balls back. Countless celibate American gents have written me, feeling unloved and left behind. Now they’ll have one grand plantation mansion—restored to its former glory—where they can strut, preen, and be honored without judgment.”

Every event takes place at an undisclosed “plantation and mansion” (sarcastically described as “beautiful” by insiders) and even visits Mar-a-Lago.

The Vancee Experience

1. Aura & Attire

Before styling begins, each Vancee undergoes an “aura assessment” to determine his vibe:

• Top Feathers: Hair sculpted sky-high—think rooster-meets-peacock.

• The Nest: Elaborate pubic décor—baubles, glitter, colored gels—framing what stylist Yoshi Talawanka lovingly calls “the humdinger.”

• Optional Extras: Chest and back hair are coiffed to match the head-to-toe theme.

“It’s about full commitment,” Yoshi insists. “If your fluff has no bounce, you’re toast. Bounce without fluff? Why even bother?”

2. The Competitions

• Bounce & Fluff Judged by veteran Simon Cowell (yep, that Simon), who quips, “Attitude counts—if you’ve got the right spirit, you can almost feel it in your… testes.”

• Bumpin’ Uglies Circle Contestants thrust into a marked ring. No intentional penetration (“only by accident,” they promise). Elimination is simple: whoever pushes another guy out wins.

• Best in Show Categories Named for cultural icons: – David Bowie (Most Creative Coif) – Conway Twitty (Top “Permed Pubes”) – Burt Reynolds (Supreme Bounce) – Chester A. Arthur (Refined, Mature Look)

Why It’s a Thing

Vance pitches it as reclaiming traditional masculinity—an all-male sphere where “proud, privileged males can dazzle without apologies.” Whether it’s earnest nostalgia or peak absurdity, the Vancevilion tour is guaranteed to spark debate… and epic hair envy.

The Tour Dates

The nine-city Vancevilion Tour kicks off mid-August, hitting: • Columbus, OH • Lexington, KY • Savannah, GA • Mar-a-Lago, FL • Washington, D.C. • Fairhope, AL • Jackson, MS • Dallas, TX • Oklahoma City, OK

Each stop promises swank after-parties, pop-up styling bars, and yes—more fluff and bounce than you’ve ever seen in one room.

Ready to reclaim your primordial pride? Dust off your pomade and polish those jewels: the Vancevilion awaits.