Pizza records may bring slice of justice

In a stunning revelation, records of secret Chuckster Cheesy pizza accounts could  dwarf the Epstein files case.

A report in the Of Course This Is True Daily, the newspaper (do those things still exist?) showed that Jeffrey Epstein and President Donald Trump had secret Chuckster Cheesy accounts where thousands of dollars were spent on sending pizza to various elementary schools throughout the country.

“These were not personal pan pizzas,” said chief investigator Roland T. Whatever. “These were way too personal pan pizzas if you know what I mean.”

“Those guys need to keep their pepperonis to themselves,” said one parent.

The pizza records date back to 2000, and several Democratic congressmen want to take a look at them.

Many expect hearings to be held soon.

“The Epstein files may be explosive, but these pizza account files may be even more damaging,”  Whatever said, “because we really do have the receipts.”