The Real Reason the President Is Obsessed with Biden’s Autopen—And Why It’s Telling

A Torchlight Underground EXCLUSIVE – Over the past few months, President Donald J. Trump has been fixated—some might say unreasonably so—on one singular object: Joe Biden’s autopen. The obsession, insiders reveal, took hold on the very night of the inauguration and has only intensified since.

President Donald Trump finds Melania's autopen. (Pictured)

A Shocking Discovery

Reports from within the White House paint a dramatic scene. The First Lady, noticeably absent from the residence since that fateful evening, may or may not be caught in a marital tiff—but the timing is suspicious.

One staffer, speaking under the protection of anonymity, describes the moment it all began.

"It was the night after the inauguration. He yelled for me, so I came in." The staffer recalls."Yes, sir?"

Standing in the First Lady’s room, the President held something aloft, hand trembling, face red. It was… large. Phallic. Bedazzled.

"What is this?" the President demanded.

Faced with a decision—tell the truth and risk unemployment, or offer a lifeline—the staffer hesitated.

"Um, sir, that’s an autopen."

And thus began an obsession that history may struggle to explain.

Conspiracy Theories, Bedazzled Truths & Unrelenting Fixation

"Autopen?" Trump repeated, eyes scanning the glitter-covered surface."Hitachi makes an autopen?"

He shook it, feeling the weight, inspecting the craftsmanship.

"This thing is like a machine—is it supposed to vibrate like this? This thing is huge, bigly.

Then, his gaze landed on the inscription—clear as day in rhinestones: “Biden’s Bitch.”

"This is Biden’s autopen?" The President’s fury reached a fever pitch. Is this a part of the Chinese payoff?'

Sleepy Joe signs his pardons and executive orders with this? Does Congress know?"

And from that night forward, Melania Trump avoided the White House—and President Trump could not, would not, let go of Biden’s autopenis—I mean, pen.

The Obsession Spreads to Congress

Since the discovery of Biden’s infamous autopen, the President has sought counsel from several members of Congress, including Senate Majority Leader Mike Johnson. In a statement, Johnson offered a perspective that was equal parts unsettling and deeply committed:

"Every night when I get home from work, I settle in with a warm glass of milk, and my pastor tucks me in with his autopen. It’s harmless when used the right way—by good people. God’s people. But in the hands of a liberal? It calls everything into question."

With intensity rising, Johnson expanded on his concerns:

"Imagine other documents in history, signed under scrutiny. Picture John Adams & Thomas Jefferson hunched over parchment, while James Madison—not much taller than me, mind you—stood on a stool, declaring his independence over and over again, all over Adams as Jefferson watches. We’d question everything, every thrust, stroke, & penetration of ink."

A Congressional Call to Action

Determined to get to the bottom of this mystery, Johnson declared his next steps:

"I will be calling a joint session of Congress. I can no longer resist the call of this device. I must explore its true nature—every setting it has to offer—until I fully realize the depths of the deep state. I will enlist my colleagues James Cummer and Gym Jordan to help grapple with the matter before us, with every position each of us takes."

A Joint Session Spirals into Spectacle

The congressional hearing on Biden’s autopen took an unexpected turn when Senator John Kennedy of Louisiana took the floor. His reaction to the unfolding chaos was nothing short of bewildered:

"You know, in all my years as a United States senator, I have never witnessed a display like this. What in the name of Strom Thurmond’s black mistress’ asshole are we doing here?"

Kennedy paused before cutting to the heart of the matter.

"I understand the political appetite for a phallic device—it’s hard to resist. We’ve all been there."

But then, he gestured toward the congresswoman from Georgia, who had escalated the proceedings to new heights.

"For her to hold up strings of kielbasa, slamming them down on the lectern, screaming ‘Devil Dick’ like it’s some out-of-control town hall? And then flashing pictures—dear God—the device being used on what I can only describe as a man’s vagina —it had muscles! The vagina had muscles! It was disturbing."

Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene pictured in a closed session of congress enjoying kielbasa.

A Question of Investigation—or Just Another Circus?

When asked by a reporter if further investigation was warranted, Kennedy did not hold back:

"Let me say this a little slower for the reporters from the Misinformation Big Ol’ Greazy Nothing Burger Channel."

He adjusted his stance, steeling himself.

"Have we—the Republicans, the President, the leadership, the party, pundits —talked about the autopen for months on end? Maybe. Maybe we have. Maybe we wasted money on an investigation so that one by one, every last one of us could get bottomed out by the former President’s autopen."

Kennedy exhaled sharply, then leaned in.

"But here’s the bottom line—are you listening? Listen real close."

He raised a hand for emphasis.

"Real Americans—real Americans. I’m talking real Americans—the ones who wake up early, the ones who have a kitchen table, the ones who act like heroes because they

pulled a mutt out of the pound. Real Americans don’t give a shit about how much money we waste."

"They don’t care about some fancy vibrating pen from China with enough horsepower to tickle your prostate and whiten your teeth at the same time."

"This is just another manufactured story for the media to seize on. Well, I won’t play your game—I was raised with more horse sense than that."

Kennedy adjusted his lapels.

"Thank you very much."