Today in Washington D.C.: Justice Served Cold (on a Hoagie Roll)

🥪 In a stunning display of jurisprudence and cured meats, a federal grand jury declined to indict Sean Dunn, the man accused of hurling a fully loaded salami sub at a police officer during a heated dispute over sandwich artistry and condiment placement.

🐶 The officer, while physically unharmed, has reportedly entered therapy for PTSD triggered by the sight of Dagwood and Blondie cartoons.🗣️ “Every time I see that man stack a sandwich taller than a toddler, I hear the crunch of lettuce and the scream of injustice,” the officer stated, clutching a therapy dog named Mayo.

🎉 Dunn, now cleared of what he called “a Trumped-up charge with extra mustard,” celebrated the verdict with a fist pump and a footlong.👩‍⚖️ The announcement was made by a federal prosecutor whose fashion choices were described by one observer as “a crime against floral patterns.”😐 Her Mar-a-Lago face—equal parts defiance and Botox—betrayed a deep sadness that her office buffet may now be repurposed as evidence.

📝 Side Note: Dunn has received multiple offers to become a spokesperson, including:

🥖 Subway, who praised his “commitment to sandwich integrity.”

🚀 Jimmy John’s, citing his “freaky fast delivery… to the face.”

🧓 Cracker Barrel, who may have mistaken him for a new menu item.

📚 Sources close to Dunn say he’s considering a memoir titled Bread, Justice, and the American Way, with a possible Netflix adaptation starring Paul Giamatti as the sandwich.

The sub in question.